Few Confessions, Some Acknowledgments & Many Learnings

Not that I am complaining, but seeking some time with the people I know is the only take away I look forward to. When I seek time, I seek happiness, nothing more or nothing less. Being an introvert till date, I have to fight my fears for public speaking which I have to do regularly. I also find it very difficult to say 'no' to someone. I feel equally arduous to start a conversation even though my profession requires me to ask questions to people I have never met as if I have a right to know everything about them. But those who know me closely, often complain that I speak too much, sometimes without allowing them to complete their stories. I change into an extreme extrovert from in no time at all. Anomaly, isn't it? 

I have never breached the privacy of anyone while seeking some time from them. Friends are an integral part of my life and I devote quite sometime for them. In the growing up years, my family was not quite in favor of the time my friends used to consume from my schedule. When I started staying outside, the friends are the ones who became my family. They stood during my lows, celebrated my achievements but most importantly helped me stay sane whenever I was emotionally devastated, which were many. My family believed in my friends more than ever. Contradictory, isn't it?

Very few friends and I fall into that category who end up paying the bills at the cafe or restaurant, I do not calculate to the decimal level while sharing something, I do not ask questions on why those working with German companies who talk about their lifestyle end up taking out their wallets only to pay up only their share. I grew up spending what I have, in lieu of good times. I can spend anything for good moments, because I can slog to earn money but I can not buy those moments. 

Excitement & exhilaration of a no-holds-barred interaction with the ones we know and are comfortable with can no be measured nor can it be explained here.  And I keep meeting those, with whom I can talk for hours, without judging, without prejudices. It rarely happened that I wanted some time from someone and they have declined. But when I find them not able to take time out for reasons that can never be explained, it perplexes me. 

Devastated is both an overstatement & undertone that describes my state of mind when I find the ones I always found near, are no more there. I have learned to live in compartment quite early in my life and it helped me to a great extent. But such experiences are difficult to put into compartments. Even I fail to find the button to switch off & on my emotions.

I have struggled to make peace with my emotion. And the struggle was too real for me to  understand it. I went through many phases of sadness, feeling of extreme loneliness & break downs. This continued for too long before I could conclude it was 'Depression'.

The very fact that I realized what was I going through itself was a positive thing, because it made me search for solutions rather taking any drastic step. I longed for family near me.

And unlike the paragraphs above which are becoming shorter and shorter, I got solution.

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But now, more than anything else, I am trying to make peace with no one, but myself. Convincing yourself is the biggest negotiation, it can take few moments for some and years for others. I am glad and I want to confess that I have both gone through depression and also have found solace being with myself and being lonely. Those who have moved on, have lost me and with that a tiny part of my heart has gone away. But I have learned to take it in my stride, because I have turned around to look at those who were always there with me. I will never look back at those who were left in this journey except for the learnings I gained. I got one life to live & one life to love. To those who always are there, I can feel it, without a call or message or a meet, I say Thank You. To those who are not, I say Thank You too. I will do whatever I have to ensure I stay happy, one day at time, one smile at a time.