Will You Please...

We accept it or not, but we do crib. It’s nothing but natural, as life is not the way we want it. so just like VVS Laxman saying why me each time he has been dropped from the Indian team, today, I also find myself saying why me. Though I always believed in the theory of ‘moving on’ with life after each setback one faces, I have to accept that there are few things that are going to remain with you still you exist. Nothing wrong, but again if that comes in the way of a new life you want to start, then it’s a problem. What to do about it? Way back in 1998, I was shortlisted for a national level quiz competition with one of my partner when I was in 9^th standard, but could not get a call thanks to last minute schedule changes which did not allow us board the train. Reason: our school was not having a big profile. I studied science in 11^th & 12^th standard, it was not my choice, but my father had never thought anything beyond science stream. My score in 12^th has proven him wrong. I did not know where to go from there, but Dad himself helped me to choose a discipline that suits me best. And that was the last time he suggested me anything on my career though I ask him before taking any decisions, love him for that.

I had this awesome dream I saw for some 7-odd years before realizing that I have been asked to wake up. I woke up, found the other person involved in the dream nowhere. Thought will move on. Just a few days of disbelief and then life was back on track. Or so I thought. After being a benchmark for others for being in a relationship for so long, became a benchmark on how to move on after you are all alone. Felt great to maintain my benchmarking level intact (sometimes I owe this attribute to my internship project on benchmarking analysis of PMS across industries, LOL). Life kept on moving. Many new persons came and my heart kept on planning for renewed dreams. Mind was anyways not in a mood. After waking up, 1 year I was into some kind of hibernation thanks to my corporate engagements and my close friends. Then life saw many colors with all shades. They came & they went. Sometimes, I forced them to. I have been rude, I accept. 3 years down the line, today, when I look back, I see that I have lost more than thing after that ‘wake up’. I realized that the lady, who has not been with me, has also taken away many emotions which cannot be reproduced again. They are irreparable. She has been a great influence in my life for such a long time; I spent 1/3^rd of my life when we got separated. That’s a big ratio. Last 3 years has given me enough opportunities and I was upto the task, almost. But you know what, something’s missing. Something’s really missing. I think she took away all those emotions from me. I get close… I get touched… then I feel blank. Can’t explain how those moments are being passed by me nonchalantly. Sometimes I feel have I really moved on? Or is it that I am just trying to pretend and has perfected the art of pretention. Till when dude?

Is ‘love’ still a reality for me? Or it has become an illusion like ‘happiness’? Anyways, illusions are entertaining… but sometimes. I have stopped defining what happiness is. These days it has become a 15% hike in appraisal, having a dum biriyani or finding a place to stand in the local train on my way to office. Wow! Till when I will become happy with all these things? I know, it’s over…long time… but have I lost the capability to get into that mode in my life again? I know I am out of it, but why do I feel bored of doing those simple and stupid things again? I hate doing clichéd things, but atleast let me not make anybody sad and not make anybody say that I am such a boring guy. It’s tough yaar. I am tired. Neither can I be artificial nor can I am able to define happiness. Have been living alone for so long now... never had the habit...

Would I ever be able do define what is this ‘happiness’ all about? Or a ‘final goodbye’ from this world is just the right answer? Hey Mom…Dad… all of you… please allow me… find one thing….

P E A C E